Saying Goodbye to 2020
Happy 2021, friends! I truly can’t believe January is here already. I know many have said it, but 2020 felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. The days felt long, but it also seems that not that much happened. (Well, we bought a house. I guess that’s sort of a big thing. LOL) But, all of the little in between things: work, date nights, get togethers, dinners out, hugs from friends and family, and so much more, were slowed down or put on hold. Like many of you, i’m sure, I feel tired of talking about 2020 and all of the jokes and negativity that come with it, but I also know that we will look back at this strange time, and i’ll be glad that I was reflective - that I left proof of what it really felt like to live through. I recently read through some of my thoughts from this day last year, and was so struck by how different my mindset was. Last winter, I was in a deep deep depression, struggling with anxiety and insomnia, and felt completely aimless. I felt that my life had no direction, and it was something that ate away at me every day. I vowed to make 2020 “a year off” for me. To stop pushing myself or trying to find clarity about my life’s purpose amidst some really messy emotional stuff. Looking back, that decision seems to make so much sense, but I remember during that time it felt like I was maybe giving up a bit.
I’m proud that I really did kind of take a sabbatical in 2020. As I wrote last year, I “did my work, paid my bills, and left it at that”. What I couldn’t have predicated at that time was that I would basically be forced to do that anyway! When the shutdowns began in March, I honestly was already sort of locked down. Winter is aways difficult for me as I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, but this year the depression was much worse than my usual seasonal dreariness. Honestly, I had spent a lot of months in our apartment, and a lot of that time in bed. I didn’t read much, I wasn’t really very productive. I felt incredibly guilty and lazy at the time but, looking back now, I think that allowing myself some time to grieve and heal was much needed.
Because I entered 2020 with the intention to release some of the heavy expectations for myself, it was so much easier to deal with everything happening around me. Weddings got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to have less work to do. Plans and commitments got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to spend more time at home. Mark could be at home with me all the time, and we got to spend a lot of sweet moments together, just the two of us, during our first year of marriage. I dont want any of this to sound ignorant, because what has happened is truly horrible, and was so much worse for so many others than me. I wont pretend that a worldwide pandemic didn’t create anxiety and financial difficulty and loneliness and sorrow for me and so many in my life. I just want to always remember that there was a bright side too. I missed my Mom dearly, and worried about bills and plans for the future, and mourned for all of those who lost someone. But, during all of the chaos and pain, I also managed to get through the worst depressive episode of my life, and get a much better handle of my anxiety, and I wonder if that would’ve been possible if I hadn’t had the time and space to “take a year off”.
A few days ago, I did a photo dump on Instagram of some of my favorite little “in-between” memories of 2020. It was so special to look back on the year and realize that so many of the best moments of the year, and of my life, are those “in-between” moments. This year gave me the opportunity to find stillness and balance, and an ability to appreciate those moments so much more.
There are so many of those moments and feelings from 2020 that I hope I never forget: the amusement of watching little Frankie grow, and the laughs he gives us carrying toys twice his size around the house; the anticipation of waiting for baby birds to hatch from their eggs on our front porch, and then the pleasure of seeing them grow and learn to fly; the peace found from evening walks around the neighborhood while noticing the houses and plants and streets as they change day by day; the joy of many many belly laughs with Mark at the end of a difficult day; the contentment of caring for plants day after day and to be able to watch them bloom - of getting your hands dirty in the mud; the love from a hug with our family after months of quarantining; the sweetness and relief of hearing the words “that’s my beautiful daughter” when my Mom woke up from her first seizure and was asked “who is this?”; the warmth of a cat purring on your chest; the pride of walking into your first home after receiving the keys; the excitement of planning exactly how to make your house a home; the exhaustion from a day of hard work, and the satisfaction of seeing something you built come to life before you; the wonder of finally loving yourself more every time you look in the mirror. These are moments that I never want to let go.
Though i’m hesitant to broadcast it too loudly, there is so much I am hopeful for in this new year. Honestly, though, if it is full of as many small beautiful moments, and if I can hold onto the ability to appreciate those things in the face of adversity, I know that it will still be a wonderful year of life, to be treasured and held dear. That is all I can hope for, and it is what I hope for you too.