Let the Sun Shine In
“You’d be so pretty if you weren’t so fat.” The first person to ever say that to me was a cute boy that I had a big crush on who sat with me in the back of the school bus every day. He was beautiful and I was a shy middle schooler who dreamt of being a famous singer. I don't remember much from my life at that time, but I do remember my embarrassment mixed with confusion and that the only response I could think of for his insult was “thank you.” I remember going home that day, crying into my pillow, and then looking at myself in the mirror. I wondered - if he thinks I could be pretty, then at least there's hope, right? This was just the first of many many times that something like that has been said to me. To #1 have your worth be determined by your physical appearance and #2 have your physical appearance and ability to be beautiful be reduced to merely weight is so incredibly demeaning. At some point thought, it began to be something I said to myself. That mindset has effected every aspect of my life. My relationships, my career, my clothing choices, even the way I treat my body. At some point, it was enough. Something needed to change. Accepting and loving myself has been a long road, but I am finally starting to feel content and confident in my own skin. I feel fearless in so many aspects of my life. I wear outfits that I like and I feel good in. I see photos of myself and I like them. And now, I share them!
That was just the first time in my life that something like that has been said to me. It wouldn't be the last. So many times in my life people have told me something along those lines, though maybe in a less crude way. At some point it began to be something I said to myself. That mindset has effected every aspect of my life. My relationships, my career, my clothing choices, even the way I treat my body. I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling disgust. I eventually avoided looking at myself if I happened to pass a mirror throughout my day. I hate having my photo taken, and avoided it at any and all cost. I have so few photos of myself and my boyfriend from the first few years of our life together, and that's why. Thinking about that makes me so sad.
At some point, I knew that it was enough. Something needed to change. I started taking small steps towards understanding, looking at, and loving myself and my body in new ways. Accepting and loving myself has been a long road, and my journey is nowhere near done, but I am finally starting to feel content and confident in my own skin. I feel fearless in so many aspects of my life. I am running my own business and growing as a filmmaker. I feel happy and fulfilled in my personal relationships, and am working to grow new friendships. I wear outfits that I like and I feel good in. I see photos of myself and I like them. And now, I share them!
Throughout college, I tried a few times to begin blogs and share my outfits. Most of those ended up failing, because I would hate every single photo of myself. I never felt comfortable in clothes if they felt like a risk, and I was so worried about receiving negative feedback, that it never lasted for long. I don't consider myself a highly fashionable person, and don't plan on becoming some sort of "fashion blogger" any time soon, but I do think it would be fun to share some of my outfits here. I want to work to perpetuate the idea that taking risks and wearing clothes that make you FEEL good is for any person of any size! I think that a quote from my favorite poet, Mary Oliverf, really sums it up: "Love yourself, then forget it, then love the world."
I loved this little outfit that I put together this past weekend for a birthday dinner for my Mark. I had him snap some photos for me around our apartment and I, of course, took a few of him too. Our guy Henry ran out the door when we left, so we got some photos with him too. I love them both so much. It fills up my heart to know I have these photos!
I hope these photos of myself and my boys always remind me of the beauty of the first really nice day of spring.The first day where you cant help by take your shoes off and run your feet over the grass. The first day where you really notice the birds singing outside your window in the morning. When opening the window makes it a little bit chilly in the house, but you do it anyway. You light a candle and turn the music up and let the fresh air make you feel alive.
Happy Spring friends. I hope you have the courage to wear something that makes you feel free, and let the sun shine in.